Low Libido: Why It Happens and How to Increase Your Desire

Sexual desire is your sexual thoughts, fantasies and memories. It's also your openness to a sexual encounter: how available you feel for anything erotic.

Two things worth knowing:

• Desire and attraction aren't the same. Having low desire is different from being asexual.
• Desire and arousal are different stages. Desire is mental and emotional: wanting it. Arousal is the physical response: a faster heartbeat, blood flow to the genitals, lubrication or an erection. You can want sex and not be aroused yet. That's normal.

In a long-term relationship, desire depends on a lot of moving parts. Start by ruling out physical causes: hormonal changes, medication, substance use or chronic pain. If any of those apply, talk to a healthcare provider.

Then look at the psychological and relationship side:

Here's the key: when sex comes with discomfort (you judge yourself, it hurts, you don't orgasm, you finish sooner than you'd like), your body learns to avoid it. Desire drops to protect you.

Sex therapist Lara Castro-Grañén suggests two questions that go deeper than "I'm just not in the mood":

1. What are you saying no to when you don't want sex? Often the no is about the discomfort, not about your partner. Ask yourself whether the lack of desire is toward everyone or just your partner, and whether there's a kind of sex you would actually want.
2. What's the "why" behind your sex? Having sex "so they'll leave me alone," "to check a box" or "so they won't cheat" pushes desire away. Pleasure, fun, flirting and connection pull it closer.

1. Protect time for the two of you. One hour a day, one day a week and one weekend a month doing things you both enjoy. Planning the space doesn't kill spontaneity: there's plenty of room to improvise inside it.
2. Laugh and play together. Desire shows up when your partner surprises you, when you see them doing something they love, and after time apart.
3. Engage your senses. Anything that comes in through your senses can feed desire. Notice which one turns you on most: sight, sound, touch, taste or smell.
4. Do a "desire workout." A small erotic moment every day (a thought, erotic art, masturbation), movement, Kegel exercises and phone-free time.
5. Invite, don't insist. Inviting sparks desire; insisting kills it. Some people never initiate but respond really well when invited.
6. Give feedback in the positive. Say how you'd like to be touched instead of pointing out what's wrong. Constant criticism during sex makes your partner feel judged.
7. Try an erotic gratitude journal. Write down three good things about your sex life every day for a few weeks to shift the focus to what's working.

• "If they don't want sex, they're cheating." False. Low libido has many causes.
• "If they don't initiate, they don't want me." False. Lots of people feel desire but don't make the first move.
• "Desire should be spontaneous." False. Spontaneous desire exists, but for many people desire shows up in response to something.
• "Low libido means our relationship is in trouble." Not necessarily. Individual desire and how often a couple has sex are two different things.

Reconnecting Intimacy is the 21-day plan with the most completed rituals in the WeSex app. It starts with two simple steps:

• One minute with yourself (2 min). One hand on your chest, one on your belly. Take five slow, deep breaths. When your body is tense, desire has no room to show up.
• The unexpected message (2 min). Send your partner something you appreciate about them, nothing sexual. A small, unexpected gesture changes how you see each other.

You can do the full plan in the WeSex app, guided by Luna and tailored to you.

If low libido is bothering you, comes with pain, started after a medication change or is tied to painful experiences, talk to a sex therapist or a doctor. In WeSex you'll also find sessions with experts like "Igniting and Understanding Desire" and "Desire on Pause."