How to talk about sex with your spouse when nobody ever taught you how

We avoid uncomfortable conversations because they feel like a risk to the relationship. In practice, silence does not resolve the discomfort, it postpones it, and the bill grows. Mili Burgos, clinical psychologist and sexologist, puts it plainly in her WeSex masterclass: the premise of her whole program is that most sexual and relational conflicts are, underneath, communication problems.

For couples who started their sexual life at marriage this is doubled. Neither of you has a reference point, so each of you is quietly guessing what the other wants, and quietly assuming your own confusion is unique. It isn't. The first conversation to have is this one: "Neither of us was taught how to talk about this. Can we learn together?"

One more thing from that first lesson: before you speak, register what you actually feel when something bothers you. Irritation, sadness, fear of disappointing. Knowing the feeling makes the sentence much easier to find.

• Know what you want to say before you say it. Writing it down first helps more than it sounds.
• Choose a relaxed moment. Never when one of you is busy, rushing out, or already tense. Not in the car, not while the food is burning.
• Mostly outside the bedroom. The bigger conversations happen on the sofa or on a walk. In bed, keep it to short, warm, in-the-moment phrases.
• One topic at a time. And close by checking: "Did I explain that well? What did you hear?"

Everything about sex touches our vulnerability. Hurting or being hurt is more likely here than anywhere else, so the sexologists' first rule is: lead with your feeling or your need, never with the other person's failure.

Romina Castro's lesson on erotic communication adds the point couples most need to hear: saying what you like does not kill the magic. Silence does. "We already know what works" becomes, over time, "we stopped asking", and that dries desire. Talking about it deepens the intimacy you were afraid of losing.

When the topic is bigger than a preference (frequency, something that hurts, something you want to try, something you don't want), use the DEAR structure Mili Burgos teaches:

1. Describe the situation, with no interpretation. "Lately we've only been intimate on weekends."
2. Express what you feel. "I feel a bit distant from you during the week."
3. Ask for something concrete. "Could we set aside Wednesday night, even just to lie together?"
4. Reinforce the gain for both. "I think we'd both feel closer."

Two companions to that structure:

• The broken record. If your spouse deflects or jokes, repeat your request calmly, in the same words, without escalating. You are not being stubborn, you are being clear.
• The time-out. If the conversation heats up, name it and pause: "I want to keep talking about this, but let's take twenty minutes." Then come back. Leaving without coming back is avoidance; pausing with a return time is skill.

And a reframe that changes how limits feel: you don't set limits on your partner, you set them for yourself. "I'm not ready for that yet" is a statement about you, not a verdict on them.

The happiest couples are not the ones who argue least; they are the ones who repair best while they argue. A small gesture in the middle of a tense moment (a hand on the knee, a half-smile, "sorry, that came out wrong") predicts relationship stability better than how often you disagree.

Practice these on purpose in low-stakes conversations so they are available when the topic is sex. Make sure they read as care, not as mockery: a joke that minimizes your spouse's point is not repair.

A lot of silent conflict in a new marriage comes from beliefs about desire that are simply false. Clear them together:

• "If they don't want sex, they don't want me." False. Low desire has dozens of causes: stress, exhaustion, medication, fear of pain, shame. It is rarely about attraction.
• "If they don't initiate, they don't desire me." False. Many people want to and still never make the first move, especially people raised to be modest. They respond well when invited. Propose, don't insist: proposing activates desire, insisting kills it.
• "Desire should just appear." For many people, especially women, it appears after things start, not before. Responsive desire is normal, not a defect. Knowing this removes an enormous amount of pressure from both sides.
• "Being wanted is enough." Romina Castro's lesson "to be desired or to desire" speaks directly to women raised to be attractive but never to say "I like this, I want this". Learning to desire out loud, not only to be desired, is the single biggest shift in this stage of marriage.

Faking pleasure to protect your spouse's feelings feels kind in the moment and teaches them, encounter after encounter, to keep doing what doesn't work. Honest feedback is a gift, and there are soft ways to give it:

• Say what you want more of in the moment: "yes, like that", "a bit slower".
• Afterwards, warm and specific: "I loved when you did X. I'd love to try Y next time."
• Receive feedback as information, not attack. Mili Burgos' closing lesson is exactly this: ask for what you want without it sounding like a checklist, say no while caring for the bond, and hear a no without hearing rejection.

What you agreed to in month one (how often, what, when) is allowed to change in month six. The riskiest agreements are the implicit ones nobody said out loud. Every few months, ask each other: "Is there anything about our intimacy you'd like to be different?" Make it a ritual, not an emergency.

Some couples read all this and still freeze at the first sentence. That is what Luna, WeSex's AI sex coach, is for. You can tell Luna what you want to say to your spouse and she will help you find the words, in private, in English, and build a plan for the two of you.