One of you always wants more sex than the other. Here is what sexologists actually recommend

The first thing a sexologist separates is individual desire from the couple's sexual frequency. "We have sex twice a month" says nothing about how much either of you wants it; it says something about what happens when two different desire patterns meet. Low frequency can come from stress, exhaustion, medication, fear of pain or simply never having been invited in a way that works. Before anyone concludes "they don't want me", check which of those is true.

There are two kinds of desire, and most couples with a gap have one of each:

• Spontaneous desire appears out of nowhere: a thought, a glance, and you want sex. This is the version movies show and the one many men (and some women) live.
• Responsive desire appears after things start: a long kiss, a massage, a relaxed evening, and only then the wanting shows up. Most women live this one, and so do many people after years together, after children or under stress.

The partner with responsive desire is not broken and is not "low libido". They are waiting for the context that lets desire appear, while the other partner is waiting for them to initiate out of nowhere. Day Martínez calls it the second desire: intentional, built during connection rather than before it. Once both of you know this, half the conflict dissolves.

• "If they don't initiate, they don't desire me." False. Many people want to and never make the first move. They respond well when proposed to. Propose, don't insist: proposing activates desire, insisting kills it.
• "If they don't want sex, there's a problem in the relationship." Not necessarily. Separate the person's desire from the couple's rhythm. Dialogue first.
• "Desire should be spontaneous." For many people it simply isn't. Desire has to be fed; it requires an active commitment from each person to their own desire.

The most common dynamic: the higher-desire partner initiates, gets a no, feels rejected, initiates more insistently. The lower-desire partner feels the pressure, and desire does not grow under pressure; the body reads pressure as threat and switches the sexual response off. The gap widens. The way out starts with the higher-desire partner removing the pressure, which feels counterintuitive and is the most effective first move.

1. Map activators, maintainers and repellents. Each of you writes three lists: what turns me on, what keeps me warm between encounters, what switches me off. The repellents list takes ten seconds; the activators list is where people go silent. Read the lists together as a map, not as a complaint.
2. Fill the piggy bank during the week. If you want sex on Saturday, don't start on Saturday. A passing touch, a voice note at noon, a held gaze: each is a coin. An empty week means arriving at the encounter with nothing invested and all the pressure on. Each partner picks one coin and commits to it this week.
3. Find your sense. Everything that enters through the senses can feed desire, and each person has a dominant one. Some need to see, others need to be spoken to. Knowing your partner's sense means your invitations finally land.
4. Lower the bar for what "counts". If every kiss is a proposal for intercourse, the responsive partner learns to avoid kisses. Let a kiss be a kiss. Paradoxically, this is what makes the yes more frequent.
5. Talk about it outside the bedroom. Not after a no, not at midnight. A calm moment, one topic, leading with what you feel and want.

If the gap has lasted more than six months, comes with pain, or one of you has stopped wanting any physical contact at all, a sex therapist is the right step. Luna, WeSex's AI sex coach, can be the first step: she helps you understand which pattern each of you has and builds a plan for both, privately.