How to ask for what you want in bed, in words that land
By the WeSex editorial team, from the work of the sexologists and gynecologists who create WeSex content · November 4, 2026 · 4 min read
Not knowing how to ask for what you want in bed is rarely a vocabulary problem. Sexologists hear the same thing from most people: nobody taught them to desire out loud, only to be desirable, and asking feels like criticizing. The good news is that asking is a technique, with a phrasing that works ("I'd love it when…" instead of "I don't like…"), a timing that works, and two or three tools you can practice in a week. This guide gives you the words, drawn from the WeSex programs by Maru Kersz, Mili Burgos, Romina Castro and Eirelyn Gómez.
Why it feels so hard
Many people, women especially, were taught to be desired: to be attractive, soft, pleasing. Almost nobody was taught to say "this is what I like, I want this". Romina Castro's lesson is the pivot of this whole topic: move from being looked at to being the one who looks, chooses and desires. Erotic power is in feeling, not in pleasing. Eirelyn Gómez adds the observation from her practice: many couples love each other and have chemistry but don't communicate out of fear or shame. The fear is usually of hurting; the fix is phrasing, not silence.
The GPS phrasing
Maru Kersz's distinction: "I don't like it when you touch me like that" and "I'd love it if you touched me like this" both express a need, but the first points at the error and the second works like a GPS. Always lead with the yes.
| Instead of | Say |
|---|---|
| "Not so hard." | "I love it softer, like this." |
| "You always rush." | "Can we stay here a bit longer? I love this part." |
| "You never go down on me." | "I'd love your mouth on me tonight." |
| "That position does nothing for me." | "Let's try me on top, it drives me crazy." |
Her exercise: write three things you do like and have never said, usually because you took them for granted. Say one this week.
The in-the-moment toolkit
Mili Burgos, clinical psychologist and sexologist, separates three moments:
- Before: short and playful. "Tonight I want it slow." "I've been thinking about your hands all day."
- During: one or two words, warm. "Yes." "Slower." "Right there." "More." Guide a hand. Move your hips to where you want contact. The body is also a sentence.
- After: specific and appreciative. "I loved when you did X. Next time I'd love to try Y." Keep it to one thing, so it doesn't sound like a checklist.
Two techniques for the bigger asks
- The little paper. Eirelyn Gómez's challenge: each partner writes a desire on a piece of paper, folded, and exchanges it. Written words skip the blush. Read it, no comments, and bring it into the next encounter.
- The sandwich. Something you love, the request, something you love. "I love how you kiss me. I'd like us to go slower before we get to the rest. I'm crazy about how you look at me." Both Eirelyn and Mili teach it because it keeps the other person's nervous system open while you ask.
Timing and empathy rules
- Know what you want to say before you say it; writing it down helps.
- Pick a relaxed moment with openness to dialogue, never when one of you is busy or stressed.
- Everything about sex puts vulnerability on the table, so before speaking, ask yourself how you'd feel hearing it.
- Offer alternatives, not just vetoes. "Mornings don't work for me, but Friday night I'd be all yours."
- One topic at a time, and check you both understood the same thing.
Don't fake it, say it
Behind faking there is shame, guilt, lack of information and a wish for it to be over. Faking sends the wrong message: that this works. It wastes the one opportunity to say what would. Not every encounter needs to end in orgasm; saying "I loved tonight, next time I'd like more of X" is worth more than a performance.
Asking also means saying no
Asking for what you want includes asking for what you don't. Limits are set for yourself, not against your partner: "I'm not into that" is information, not a verdict on them. A clear no, said warmly, makes your yes trustworthy, and a partner who hears your no without drama is a partner who will hear your requests too.
Practice the words
If the sentence won't come out, say it to Luna first. WeSex's AI sex coach helps you find the phrasing for your partner, in private, and builds a plan around erotic communication.
Frequently asked questions
How do I tell my partner what I like without hurting their feelings?
Lead with the yes: "I'd love it when…" instead of "I don't like…". Add one thing you already love before and after the request.
When is the best moment to ask for something new in bed?
Small things in the moment, with one or two words. Bigger things in a relaxed moment outside the bedroom, one topic at a time.
What if I'm too embarrassed to say it out loud?
Write it. Exchange folded notes with your partner and bring the request into the next encounter without discussing it.
Is faking an orgasm ever a good idea?
No. It teaches your partner that what they're doing works and removes the chance to say what would. Say what you'd like more of instead.
How do I say no to something without killing the mood?
Make it about you, not them: "That's not my thing, but I'd love…" and offer an alternative.
Based on
Tips para hablar de sexo con tu pareja sexual (Cecilia Ce) · Fingir el orgasmo (Cecilia Ce) · Programa "La Ruta del Deseo", lección 7 "Aprender a decir lo que sí" (Maru Kersz) · Programa "El arte de dar & recibir placer", cápsulas 8 y 12 (Romina Castro) · Programa "Comunicación asertiva", cápsulas 3 y 8 (Mili Burgos) · Programa "Claves para el placer sostenido", lección 1 (Eirelyn Gómez) · Masterclass "Límites & acuerdos" (Cele Bello)